Miscarriage. Soon as you hear that word, your heart just drops. Having a miscarriage comes with physical, emotional and just spiritual draining that cannot be explained. Whether you lose a baby at one month or 8 months, the pain surpasses anything you have ever felt. This is my story and testimony about my miscarriage, how I dealt with it, and how my rainbow baby came about.
When Andy and I got married, we made the decision to not get pregnant until a year after. We wanted to enjoy each other for some time, then create a family afterwards. I can remember as a little girl and budding woman, one of my goals and purposes in life was to be a mother. Now I know that all little girls have this same dream, but this was different. I felt that being a mother to someone was my way of showing God’s love to me to someone else. It sounds weird as I am saying it, but there is nothing like the love a mother has for her children.
In early August, my husband and I found out we were pregnant…it was so exciting! It was exactly ONE year after we got married, and we thanked God for favor and His timing. I remember not feeling too well and getting massive, horrible headaches. I did not think too much about it until I realized I was 4 days late with my period and decided to take a pregnancy test. Because we were in an active mode of “trying”, I had a stash of the one dollar pregnancy tests ( I would take them even if I had a stomachache). Although I have taken the pregnancy tests many times, this time felt very different. I was sweating really hard and breathing funny because I was so so nervous about what the results may be. After 5 VERY LONG minutes, it was confirmed: WE WERE PREGNANT!! I mean, it was surreal. Because of our love, we just created the beginning of what would be a human being! God is so good. We shared the news with close family and friends after a few days and decided to not make it public until we reached 12 weeks.
Once I found out I was pregnant, my doctor drew my blood to get the HGC ( also known as the pregnancy hormone) level count. When you first become pregnant, there should be significant amounts of the HCG hormone in your blood and urine stream. In the early stages of a normal pregnancy, those HCG numbers should double every 48 to 72 hours ( further down your pregnancy, those numbers will significantly decrease). In the first 48 hours, my HCG levels went from 700 to 1400. This was awesome news…our baby was in the making. My doctor drew blood from me again and asked me to come back to the office a couple of days after that. My HGC levels went from 1400 to 2000. My HCG levels did not double. My heart sank immediately after I heard this. I asked the doctor, what does this mean? Are we not having a baby? Is the baby not real? I felt as if I was asking him a million questions a minute. The only thing he stated was that he will draw some blood again, do another test and hope that the numbers will increase. As long as they are increasing, it is a good sign and there is an indication that the baby is still here. Well, that made me feel so much better. I prayed we prayed, my family prayed, my close friends prayed, my church family prayed. God can do anything, and I wanted Him to give me this baby.
Three days later, I received a phone call from my doctor. Usually, it is the receptionist asking me to make an appointment or telling me when to come in, but this time it was my doctor. His exact words:
Laura, I am so sorry to tell you, but your HCG levels are decreasing. You are in the process of having a miscarriage
It felt as if I was being punched. My heart stopped, and I promise you my lungs stopped because I could not breathe. Our baby, our first baby, the baby that I have already loved more than anything was in the process of returning back to our Maker. The most difficult part about this is that I knew that my baby was dying inside of me. It was not something that was sudden, or came spontaneously…it is something that I knew to be expected. Every day, I was questioning myself will today be the day? Will I feel pain….will it feel like a period? I had no idea what to expect.
At exactly 9 weeks of pregnancy, the life I was carrying went on to be with the Lord on September 15,2014. I was teaching Kindergarten at the time, and I was in the middle of my class. We were reading a Read-Aloud book when all of the sudden, I felt this strong pain in the pit of my belly. It was as if a cat was scratching deeply the insides of my uterine wall. In the middle of that, I had to explain in kid terms to my students why Mrs.desir was in so much pain. Not only physical pain, but heartbreak pain. My heart felt as if it was ripping to shreds. Something I already loved so much was leaving my body. One of my students went next door to get a teacher, and I had to get help going to the hospital. By the time I got to the hospital, large pieces of what was my baby had left my body. Never in my life could I imagine a more painful scenario. I would wish this on NO ONE.
The brightest part of this story was my husband. The support, the love, the understanding, non-judgment he gave me was amazing. He is truly my rock and Knight in Shining Armor.
After a terrible storm…soon came a rainbow.
In early October, what I thought was the beginning of depression ( not eating, headaches, very sleepy)…was another life brewing inside of me. We found out we were pregnant with Michael a MONTH LATER. God gave my husband the strength (haha) to plant that seed in me. Joy surely came in the morning!!!!
Now we have a beautiful son, that is loved so much and a reminder of God’s goodness. In 2016, God blessed us again with a daughter. The Word states that everything happens in His time. September 15, 2014 will never be forgotten, it is to mourn my first baby but also to celebrate the lives that were given to me afterward.
Psalms 23:6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever
Thanks for reading my testimony. My prayer is that it touches someone that has gone or is going through the same thing and to encourage them to lean and trust in the Lord. He will never fail you.